tag:gentlebenmusic.com,2005:/blogs/latest-news?p=2Latest News2019-03-20T19:15:58-04:00Gentle Benfalsetag:gentlebenmusic.com,2005:Post/56872762019-03-20T18:07:00-04:002022-07-25T11:59:54-04:00Which side are you on? <p style="text-align: center;">I am not where I want to be… I regularly feel ashamed about who I am. Sometimes I’m filled with insecurity and doubt, other times I get stuck in anger at all that I have endured. There are moments when I feel victimized by my own mind. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Occasionally I feel overcome by sadness at the truth of how painful this experience has been. I get lost in trying to understand all of the power and wisdom that comes from all of the hurt. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">But </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">If I desire to be who I am, I have no choice in my life but to be vulnerable </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">(and isn’t this ultimately the hard truth for all of us?) </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">So </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">If you are to know me, you must also get to know my shame. I will ask that you honor the privilege of holding that space. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I am currently relearning to appreciate the inner strength that I have cultivated over years of remembering why I chose not to be my self sooner. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I was eighteen when I remembered my name… </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">To have survived the trauma of learning to </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">hide & despise </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">the essence of </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">who I am, </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">is a miracle </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I am still developing the resources and courage to speak my truth. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I have come to understand that the scars will always be here. The memories of those wounds have become a part of who I am. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I struggle with wanting to separate the two; my pain from my self— </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> but </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">there is no </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">light without dark </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">or liberation from pain </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">this is the human experience. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">This is my human experience… </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">There is an energy inside of me that wants to help fix the world. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I truly believe with all of my heart</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">that loving and accepting transcendent people</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">(and transcendent people loving and accepting themselves) is God’s work. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">We are here to make the world a better place... </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">by giving my self permission to embody the essence of who I am </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">in faith that who I am is exactly the person I want to become </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I hereby declare this body as my own </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">a safe place for my soul to live </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and fulfill its purpose </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">My “trans agenda” is to love my self better than I was taught. The aggressive nature of the debate surrounding the lives and dignity of people like me is escalating. I don’t need to read the comments because I have already survived them; fear shows up on a spectrum between dismissal and outrage and has evolved into outright conspiracy. I recognize that people are concerned about the broader implications of creating a culture of acceptance around gender transgressions. We have been taught that life is wrapped up neatly and labeled clearly when in truth its force is an ecstatic, multi dimensional arrangement of particles miraculously organized into form.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">The heart wisdom here is that we don’t get to choose who we are; you already are who you are.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">We only really get to make the decision to embody or abandon the truest essence of our selves. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Our choice is to accept people for who they are, even if it contradicts our sense of who we are </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">or</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">to reject them based upon our own biases and understanding of our selves (or lack thereof).</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>To find the most inflammatory examples to validate your own prejudices exemplifies cowardice. </em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">My hope for humankind is that we all start to understand that our identity- the essence of who we are- comes from a place that is beyond our assignment. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I think that the people that feel the most violated by other’s disobeying their personal belief systems are the ones who are also feeling the most repressed in their own soul’s expression of who they are… even if they don’t know it, yet. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">So, in a war between love and fear-- which side are you on?</p>Gentle Bentag:gentlebenmusic.com,2005:Post/56592532019-03-13T17:39:38-04:002019-03-13T17:39:38-04:00Precipice <p>I'm standing on the edge of a precipice </p>
<p>I’m scared to look down </p>
<p>I'm afraid I won't like what I see </p>
<p>My heart is pulling me </p>
<p>towards the edge at the tip of my feet </p>
<p>there’s a longing to know </p>
<p>what’s buried </p>
<p>I feel it rising </p>
<p style="text-align: right;">I'm at the bottom of a hole </p>
<p style="text-align: right;">I can see them but I don't know </p>
<p style="text-align: right;">if they can see me </p>
<p style="text-align: right;">my heart is sinking into </p>
<p style="text-align: right;">the deepest depths </p>
<p style="text-align: right;">I have ever known. </p>
<p style="text-align: right;">I long to be seen, </p>
<p style="text-align: right;">I feel lonely down here </p>
<p style="text-align: right;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: right;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: right;"><strong>It’s time to rescue your inner child.</strong></p>
<p style="text-align: right;"> </p>Gentle Bentag:gentlebenmusic.com,2005:Post/56461422019-02-20T18:52:34-05:002021-11-01T03:11:29-04:00Beautiful Boy<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/645e6d6e053b214e7b58954dd905da0a316bc5b5/original/beach.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></p>
<p style="text-align: center;">beautiful boy, darling boy </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I know that you are afraid </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I want you to know that I understand why you are scared </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and sad </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and feeling so alone </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">but I am here to take care of us now </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and I want you to know </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">that we made it</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">darling boy </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I’m writing from the other side </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and I am so very proud of you </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">for everything that you did to keep us safe, </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">for your fearless self expression </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and commitment to being exactly who you are. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">there is no reason for you to feel ashamed </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">for the ways in which you compromised your self </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">in order to survive. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/1be6c630b18786e3f68553b0d9d71534476eb437/original/scan20015.jpg/!!/undefined/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">beautiful boy, </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I want you to know</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">that I see you </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and I know that it wasn’t easy </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">but</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">you should know</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">that in your process </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">of returning to yourself </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">that you have inspired others </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">to return to themselves, too </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and you have taught many people </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">what love really looks like </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">in your courage </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">to be</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">who you</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">are.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>Gentle Bentag:gentlebenmusic.com,2005:Post/54874772018-10-26T13:29:36-04:002019-02-20T23:20:51-05:00To My Beloved Support Network; <p style="text-align: center;">Stories of transition often times have many beginnings. The first time I was able to articulate my understanding of “who I am” was actually a culmination of many experiences building up to my “coming out” moment. Coming out was just the tipping point at which it became more unbearable to live with my secret than it was to face my fears and finally confront the truth. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">The mind can do incredible things to protect itself from a perceived threat. From a young age I internalized the rhetoric that being transgender would make me unlovable, undesirable, and unsafe. My brain’s desire to suppress the truth about its experience led me to some dark places; I am fortunate to have survived them. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I share my story to honor my younger self- a child whose adolescence was a series of avoidable disasters spiraling towards existential crisis. It wasn’t the fact that I am transgender that caused me so much suffering but the conditioning and stigma associated with transgender people that brought me to the edge of suicide. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">To some, the idea of being transgender is inflammatory </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">They believe we are at war with God for the soul of humanity </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">As if </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">to embrace my path as a man </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">is to reject what is holy & righteous. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">As if they themselves are qualified to be the Judge. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">~ </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">When I was a teenager coming to terms with it all, before I had the courage to tell you who I was, I wondered if and how I was going to make it through to my twenties. I thought about killing my self daily, but the truth is that I desperately wanted to LIVE. So I told myself that if I couldn’t figure out how to be happy by the time that I was twenty-five, I would take my own life as to spare myself from having to sustain such a miserable existence. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">when I remembered that transition was my destiny, I began to see that the stigma that we assign to people like me is at its best</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">uninformed</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and at its worst</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">violent & hateful. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">To some we are only a punch line, </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Our humanity lost in the debate for our dignity. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Still, as I began to search my own head & heart for the truth, I found that I didn’t hate myself for being transgender. I hated myself because I had internalized our collective misunderstanding of people like me. Nobody told me that human beings like me have existed since the beginning of time. Nobody told me that the likenesses of "transgender people" are celebrated in other cultures and parts of the world. I didn’t know that this is something that I could be reverent of, that I didn’t have to be ashamed. I didn’t know that transgender people had a legacy beyond the violence and trauma we’ve experienced. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Before I had the language and capacity to accept myself as a man, I lived as if I believed that I wasn’t worthy of being alive. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I believed this because I didn’t know better </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I didn’t know better because nobody taught me </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">And I’d like to think that if we knew better, we’d do better </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">~ </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">So, to my beloved support network; </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Here I am at twenty-five. I’ve made it through the hardest part, and I’m honored to be one of many examples of what life can look like after transition. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">As I reimagine what’s next for me, I’ve decided to take a step back to be able to fully realize how I can best serve my community. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Thank you for reading, listening, supporting, and loving me through it all. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I’ll be back in full power, soon. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Much Love Until Then, </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Gentle Ben </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>Gentle Bentag:gentlebenmusic.com,2005:Post/44107172017-06-07T00:53:39-04:002018-05-15T04:43:42-04:00you've been pushed beyond your limits because you came here to defy them<p style="text-align: center;">My defensiveness is reflexive, and lately I have been teetering on edge. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">It is no surprise when the most intimate aspects of my life </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">have been shared all over the world </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and yet they are completely invisible to the people around me </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I walk around this paradox in my head like</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">there is no conclusion to be made </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">just truth to witness </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and so</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">it can feel exhausting </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">walking in circles </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">to be so vulnerable all the time </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">i know </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">there are no words to neatly describe </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">the pain of empowerment </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I have come up empty </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">when I tried </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">but</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">when I look at my life </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I know</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">something powerful</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">is working, </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and that this journey</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">has been</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">anointed. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>Gentle Bentag:gentlebenmusic.com,2005:Post/47361912017-06-07T00:19:56-04:002019-08-01T11:32:44-04:00For My Mom<p style="text-align: center;"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/baedbbbe4e28626896d46d16db42805cd31b8160/original/me-and-mom.jpg?1496808725" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Thank you for raising me to be strong enough to face the world </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and then for standing by my side while I stand up for myself. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I know how hard it can be to relive our experiences of my transition in front of an audience,</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">but I have seen the impact that your process has had on others, </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">watching you change has changed people. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">beside me, </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">your transformation is just as remarkable as mine. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> ♥</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>Gentle Bentag:gentlebenmusic.com,2005:Post/43964602016-10-04T18:06:44-04:002018-02-16T12:07:22-05:00I did this for you<p>My first night in Edinburgh, I slept in the airport. I waited too long to book a bed in a hostel, so I found myself a bench without arm rests and laid down. I woke up an hour later, relieved to be in good company. There were people laying all over the airport, on benches, on the floor, on top of each other. I laid my head back down. It wasn’t my best nights sleep, but it wasn’t the worst I’ve ever had, either. <br><br>No longer do I stress about plans, itineraries, or logistics. Still, the biggest scar I wear is my anxiety. How can I live authentically in a society that has rejected me? I don't want to hide what I've been through, but I also don't want to jeopardize my peace of mind. Traveling with the film has forced me to face my fears head on. I don’t think I would feel anxious about sharing my story if the world didn’t seem so judgmental... but I've learned that some people will judge you no matter what you do, so let the jerks be cranky and move on. The kid in me wants to be loved and accepted by everyone. The growing man I am understands that my energy is needed elsewhere.<br><br>Maybe one day I can retire from being transgender and just be myself, but for now, I feel an obligation to take this opportunity to say that it doesn't matter who you are, what your body looks like, which god you pray to, or what underwear (if any) you choose, if you are a decent human being, why does it matter? </p>
<p>In the same way that you are you, I am me. </p>
<p>Transitioning isn’t just a physical journey. It is emotional. It is spiritual. <br>We are up against a lot. This is not for the faint of heart.<br><br><strong>We are strong people. </strong><br><br>our journeys transform those that love us<br><br>So, as this film travels the world, revealing my process to audiences far and wide, I want you to know that I did this for you; </p>
<p>for the ones just starting. </p>
<p>for the next generation. </p>
<p>for their families. </p>
<p>for those that feel alone. </p>
<p>for the ones who didn't make it, </p>
<p>for the ones that need some validation, </p>
<p>because they just want to be loved, </p>
<p>accepted, & celebrated as they are.</p>
<p><3</p>Gentle Bentag:gentlebenmusic.com,2005:Post/42025262016-05-29T15:14:10-04:002022-05-31T07:36:47-04:00Transition is surrender <p style="text-align: center;">Oh, how time can move both fast & slow is so amazing to me <br>5/21 marks four years into my transition </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">when I started, I wondered what my life would look like in a few years, </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">who would know the details of my identity crisis? <br> <br>was I in school? would my classmates know? <br>where was I living? what was I doing for work? <br>what will it look like when I meet the love of my life? <br>Will this be a secret that I have to come-out with? <br>a part of my self that I only confide in a few? <br>Why do I feel like I have to hide this from everyone? <br>Why do I care about what people think? </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Throughout my journey,<br>I have become increasingly more aware of the ways that my social conditioning<br>has been holding me back from being and loving my experience,<br>unconditionally </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I struggled to come to terms with the nature of my existence </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I mean, <br>Aren't we all becoming more of ourselves all the time? <br>... or at least, isn't that kind of the goal? </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">only after transitioning <br>did I realize how little gender affected my life <br>and only then did i start to understand <br>what a privilege that is in our world </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">in 2012 I was nineteen wondering if my transition was something that I would put behind me </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">a journey that started and finished <br>with medication & surgery</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I have known for a long time <br>that I was going to grow up to be a man <br>and now I'm just trying to become the best one that I can <br>because sometimes <br>the only choice you get to make <br>is which turn you will take <br>on the path that was destined for you </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">~</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">life <br>in <br>transition <br>is<br>surrender <br><br>I don't have all the answers</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I used to wonder</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><br>why</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Now, the questions I ask myself have changed <br><br>Can I embrace the spectrum of my experience for everything that it is? <br>Can I let go of all the limiting conditioning that I have learned? <br>Can I love my experience for everything that it has taught me?</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">And just be myself… unconditionally, unapologetically? </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">can we embrace our humanity </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> & </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">accept life on life's terms? </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">:-) </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">That is the humble inquisition of my life in transition </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Four years in, and i already know the answer is yes. <br><br>we have to. <br><br>some how, some day<br>we will learn to love each other<br>and stop judging one another<br>for that which we haven't <br>taken the time<br>to understand <br> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>Gentle Bentag:gentlebenmusic.com,2005:Post/41709602016-05-08T10:12:13-04:002020-10-17T03:57:51-04:00make a happy ending<p style="text-align: center;">Right now, all around this country, there are people trying to pass legislation that polices the right of transgender and gender non-conforming folks to use public restrooms… </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">The fact that these bullies have made it a priority for our country to invest public attention and resources into an issue that doesn't even exist is mind-numbing </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and the fact that people buy into this garbage is exhausting. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">The anti-lgbt proponents of these bills <br>are notorious "religious freedom" groups <br>who apparently, <br>after all the years of soul searching <br>in the pews of their beloved churches, <br>have concluded that this is in fact <br>what Jesus would do. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and when they say things like <br>"I don't want my child in a restroom with one of them" <br>or <br>"perverts are going to use this as an excuse to attack our children!" </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">really, what they ought to be saying is <br>"I'm afraid of things I don't understand" <br>& <br>"I watch too much television" </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">my head is going crazy <br>with all the restroom restlessness <br>because I know that there are kids out there <br>struggling to come to terms <br>with who they are <br>and they are watching our country debate on whether or not <br>they should be allowed to use the restroom <br>and they are being mercilessly reduced to their bodies <br>in this humiliating discussion, <br>which is truly an ugly distraction <br>from the very real injustices <br>that we need to discus </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I have an idea to put this to rest; </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">lets build another bathroom <br>for all the dogmatic assholes <br>that are so afraid of people <br>that look different from them <br>so that they can take a piss <br>safe from their imaginary problems, <br>protecting nobody from nothing <br>but the reality of diversity that exists <br>in the spectrum of human existence </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">while the rest of us continue to do what we can <br>to dismantle the mechanisms of ignorance and hate </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Hell is not a place you go when you die <br>It is a life lived in fear, <br>knowing that at the end of your time <br>you wasted your life <br>living a lie <br>because some asshole <br>condemned your soul <br>and body <br>in the name <br>of Christ </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Chill, <br>Jesus loves me. <br> <br>quit using <br>misinterpretations <br>of scripture <br>to further <br>your agendas <br>of hate and division </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Hell is not a place you go when you die </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">It is a life lived in fear </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">so don't be afraid </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">just be you </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">live your truth </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">embrace your story </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and please </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">for God's sake, <br>for humanity's sake, </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">make a happy ending.</p>Gentle Bentag:gentlebenmusic.com,2005:Post/41528272016-04-25T14:40:04-04:002023-12-10T13:04:55-05:00Identity is Destiny <p>4/25/2016</p>
<p>BFI Flare, an LGBT film festival recently flew me overseas for the first public screening of REAL BOY.<br><br>Y'all I was sooooo nervous.<br><br>A lot of people have asked me if it's uncomfortable, </p>
<p>watching my nineteen year old self navigate the beginning of my transition. </p>
<p>Yes. it's weird. </p>
<p>I was sad</p>
<p>and scared</p>
<p>and angry at everything and everyone that had conditioned me to feel ashamed of who I am.<br> </p>
<p>~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I used to think that I was born in the wrong body. </p>
<p>Now, I know that I was born to have this experience:</p>
<p>to learn to embrace a life in transition.<br><br> </p>
<p>I believe that Identity is Destiny. </p>
<p>and we are all given specific words to talk about our experiences </p>
<p>labels to compartmentalize and share our point of view . <br> </p>
<p>These words, in a way,<br><br>end up shaping our perceptions </p>
<p>of the experience itself. <br> </p>
<p>Let's open up that conversation a bit; </p>
<p>and transcend this dichotomy, together. </p>
<p>can we grow beyond the cultural confines </p>
<p>of our associations with gender?<br> </p>
<p>Nature loves variety. </p>
<p>No body is the same. <br> </p>
<p>Lets celebrate </p>
<p>our humanness</p>
<p>our individuality </p>
<p>that which makes us unique </p>
<p>and also </p>
<p>our inherent mutuality </p>
<p>that which keeps us connected <br> </p>
<p>The idea that this film might find its way into the hearts<br>and minds of people that need its message has been comforting.<br>I want this film to do good things for my community. </p>
<p>I want the parents of gender variant children<br>to be empowered by my mom's journey through my transition,<br>so that they are determined to stand up and hold space for their beautiful kids. </p>
<p>If this film can do that for somebody, then its worth it all. </p>
<p>...</p>
<p>so yes, watching a really vulnerable part of my life </p>
<p>projected on a screen for others to view & judge</p>
<p>is very uncomfortable </p>
<p>but fuck it, so is growing.</p>Gentle Bentag:gentlebenmusic.com,2005:Post/40918752016-03-16T20:45:37-04:002017-01-16T10:25:42-05:00Ode To The Road: <p>~3/16/2016 </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I love that all the money I’d spend to rent <br> <br>a place to work a job<br> <br>goes into my gas tank, and takes me <br> <br>on an adventure <br> <br> surrounded by tokens <br> <br>of affection<br><br>from friends I’ve made <br> <br>and kept<br><br>along the way <br><br> <br> I’ve learned that it is wiser for me to <br> <br>understand how to live than<br><br>how to make a living <br><br>and <br> <br>more meaningful to<br><br>work for something <br> <br>than for someone <br> <br> <br>a few years ago<br>I realized that I didn’t know<br>what I was going to do <br> with the rest of my life<br> <br>I guess I didn’t think <br>that <br>I would make it this far <br> <br>... <br> <br>So I set off on an adventure with one of my best friends <br>hoping that<br>the open road<br>some fresh air<br>and a new beginning <br>would bring me to peace<br>on my path</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">~ ~ ~ <img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/79ea8b3cc955becafe8291f9225f0a5958dadd4b/medium/1970973-1406877949586165-1551892659618961177-n.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/25823fd47877a39b48be5624982e00fbede3c8d7/medium/dsc-0429.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_left border_" /><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/e85690a364e964c9fcc1ffcf68bf37262b6ca8ad/medium/dsc-0407.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_right border_" /><br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/e1ba9123b90013c8e18830552187a36de78aa6b1/medium/1510590-1400081640265796-2126373299-n.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/5a5018b914f0c3a55ac27ac07bf0589615e7cdc4/medium/dsc-0469.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_none border_" /><br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/4809e7c561e1c8618328d7efa267bbcce7ecdef6/medium/img-0133.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_none border_" /><br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/16ec0df42e39db459b1df9c8a445dd5a2ec29391/medium/dsc-0478.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_none border_" /><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/2ecec37a3d2debe115b5f185e1d8ead8c3c7a6b0/medium/1601579-10152627443058660-7173461578992312659-n.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_none border_" /><br><br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/2a33df4c91943b1b86a16729f5476907b5571e10/medium/img-0369.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_none border_" /><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/f02bc978db868b9ab17bb6a27f04e01ae29d5156/medium/img-0398.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_none border_" /><br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/3c902416535c71557af747ec3dd2ffc259e586be/medium/11752094-1611308919143066-855559704996840654-n.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_none border_" /><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/f9f1880ae6e12c7b53f421c19a0d8bf53014d968/medium/img-0242.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_none border_" /><br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/493f82d8e42b1aae7c617939a4388e061d1756ae/medium/img-0464.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_none border_" /><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/0e0da0c8bfc41a4d45d0b1d395725000d8ac2b0d/medium/img-0575.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_none border_" /><br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/0fe14287f13e40d7a97c795731b2621b9eb5d56d/medium/img-0360.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_none border_" /></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> everything is easier <br>when you're just passing thru</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/dc6378af341706875000f99960ba35f490cea670/original/img-0473.jpg?0" class="size_l justify_center border_" /><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/944e91d1ecd2a5a8a343210041c5cc1b67f0b5f3/medium/img-0789.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_none border_" /><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/78a5d78f245c1ec7a66b944f3da3712a442a42ab/medium/img-0786.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_none border_" /><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/badfd6d3e4da8b72040b347ac2df19bf02461e4b/medium/img-0783.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_none border_" /></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Its been a while<br>since i started down this road <br>But I think I’m getting <br>pretty comfortable <br>with a life lived in transition </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">~<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/179729/73b7bb17e55cf2190d38b5746ba3828311b73aea/original/img-0375.jpg?0" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></p>Gentle Bentag:gentlebenmusic.com,2005:Post/40844552016-03-11T20:59:49-05:002016-03-26T09:16:36-04:00Don't Say I Didn't Warn Ya<p>~ 3/11/2016 </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><iframe class="justify_inline" data-video-type="youtube" data-video-id="NNmvL5hSAXA" data-video-thumb-url="http://img.youtube.com/vi/NNmvL5hSAXA/0.jpg" type="text/html" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/NNmvL5hSAXA?rel=0&wmode=transparent&enablejsapi=1" frameborder="0" height="200" width="320" allowfullscreen="true"></iframe><br><br>Only God Can Judge Me<br>but i know she'd rather love me<br>kiss my scars and wipe my tears<br>and hold my hand when things get ugly<br>cus' I know, I know<br>it won't be long before it's coming back around<br>it's going down, and don't you say I didn't warn ya<br><br>Recently, Coyote Joe and I met up in Philly long enough to play a few tunes at a Universalist Unitarian Church just outside the city. <br><br>Ramble on, song dog! </p>Gentle Bentag:gentlebenmusic.com,2005:Post/40393522016-02-12T19:05:13-05:002016-10-05T07:56:44-04:00call to rise<p>~ 2/12/2016 </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><br>The revelation of my identity had been emerging in my awareness for some time.<br>It kind of happened in steps<br>I really didn't want to be transgender<br>I had negative associations with that word<br> i had already been in therapy for years<br>because of a curios chemical<br>reaction to puberty<br>starting at <br>the age<br>of 12<br>and<br>I guess <br> I assumed that if I had a condition someone would have given me a diagnosis<br>and I guess<br>that my parents <br>had a feeling but they<br>also obeyed the stigma <br>hoping, waiting, maybe<br>it was anything<br>other than<br>this<br><br>and<br> I don't blame them<br>because it was hard for me<br>to come to terms with<br>too<br><br>~<br><br>when<br>I was eighteen<br>--<br>I was getting ready<br>to leave my apartment<br><br>and I stopped in front of the mirror<br>and just sort of froze there <br><br>and for once I was looking at my reflection <br>and having a really genuine moment with myself<br><br> when I looked into my own eyes<br>usually all I felt<br>was the space where my<br>personality <br>was supposed to be<br><br>but this time felt different<br><br> I was looking<br>at myself<br>and<br>wondering<br>What Am I<br>so afraid<br>of<br> ? <br><br>~<br> <br>I started to have this<br> daydream<br>of myself at <br>the gas station down the street<br>when the person behind the<br> counter looked at me<br><br> “Yes, sir. Ma’am?” <br>confused<br>so then<br>they tried<br>again<br>i cleared<br>my throat<br>and looked<br>at them<br><br>“It’s Sir” <br>i said to the mirror<br><br>never in my life<br>had it felt<br>any clearer</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">My eyes welled up <br><br>spirit-chills<br><br>every cell<br>in my body<br><br>vibrating<br><br>a warm wave <br>of relief <br>overcame <br>me</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">pivotal <br>momentary <br>clarity<br><br>a mirror<br>to see<br>clearly<br>who<br>I<br>came<br>here<br>to be<br><br>~<br><br>you see<br>i couldn't<br>see<br>the truth until<br>it took me by<br>surprise<br><br>transition<br>is<br>my<br>call to rise<br><br>~<br><br>Sometimes the role we come to play<br>is not the one that we would have chosen for ourselves.<br>It is not by my conditions that I am defined<br>but by the way that I respond to them.<br><br>I came out<br><br>as myself<br><br>and<br><br>felt <br><br>as<br><br>hopeful<br><br>as<br><br>Ever<br><br>as<br><br>I stood at this intersection<br><br>it occurred to me that<br><br>it was not by mistake<br><br>that I had arrived here<br><br>All signs pointed <br><br>in<br><br>this direction<br><br>transition<br><br>is<br><br>something<br>that I have come to accept<br>about myself even though<br>I don’t understand<br><br>its taken a while, but<br>I’ve given up on asking<br>“whyyyyyyyy”<br>and<br>choose<br>to trust<br>what <br>i know<br>to be<br>right<br><br>~<br><br>Someone once told me<br><br>Pick your battles,<br>and be wise<br> <br>Sometimes it seems like the world is overwhelmingly opinionated<br>and people aren’t afraid to display their ignorance with pride<br><br>I didn't come to argue with them. <br>I accept our differences.<br>We don't need to understand each other to be nice<br><br> but we have got learn to live together <br>and<br>focus <br>on what is really going on beneath<br>the surface because I promise<br>you that this is so much <br>more than skin deep.<br>-- Gentle<br>Ben</p>Gentle Bentag:gentlebenmusic.com,2005:Post/39884092016-01-14T14:32:38-05:002021-09-17T01:57:53-04:00REAL BOY :: A DOCUMENTARY<p>~ 1/14/2016 </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><br>When I met filmmaker Shaleece Haas, I had recently started my transition and had just moved into an attic in Sacramento, California for the summer. The house I was living in was hosting a show, and I was opening for some of my gender-journeying musical heroes, Eli Conley, Storm Miguel, and Joe Stevens. <br> <br>Prior to coming out, I had only played my songs in front of an audience a few times- and I mostly panicked and forgot my own words or just felt pretty damn anxious the entire time. When I started transitioning, I still had really bad performance anxiety- which wasn’t made much easier by the oncoming voice-cracks and pimples all over my face. Plus, in the beginning, I was really preoccupied with how I was being perceived by everyone. <br> <br>But Joe would get on stage with me and talk to the audience so I didn’t have to. He would introduce me on the microphone and tell everyone how great I was and then I would play a song while he would tickle the banjo and sing some harmonies and smile me through the whole thing. He has a way with holding space that is so empowering. Little by little, we began chipping away at my self-doubt. His audiences are really amazing too, and would laugh with me when my voice cracked in the middle of a song or when I couldn’t find the note that I was looking for as my voice was rapidly changing. It was experiences like this that helped me remember that it’s okay to make mistakes and that nobody was expecting perfection from me. <br> <br>So here we were, at a house show, sharing stories and songs on one fine evening in Sacramento and this woman with a camera approaches Joe and I, and ever so charmingly asks if we would like to be a part of her movie project. I didn’t realize at the time that I was going to become the focus of this film. I had just begun to embrace my identity and was feeling inspired by the support of my community- sharing my transition felt like the right thing to do. Plus, as an artist, I am always looking for more meaningful ways to speak my mind and share my truth. <br> <br> when I met Shaleece, I hadn’t even chosen my name. I didn’t even feel like a real person.<br><br>Sometimes I get nervous when I think back at all the time we have spent together in interviews- because I barely remember anything that I said. But I had this feeling from the beginning that this was all meant to be. My entire life made sense after coming out, everything that had previously felt so heavy and nonsensical now felt meaningful and beautiful. My journey with identity gave me a purpose, and I've been looking for ways to share the understanding that I had cultivated for myself ever since. <br> <br>So now, Real Boy the Movie is in its final stages of postproduction. I still haven’t seen any of it.<br>I have no idea what this film is going to look like.<br><br> I’m excited for its release because I really believe that it is going to change the way that I see myself<br>I have put so much of my energy since pursuing transition into learning<br> how to forget all the bullshit that has made me feel so unloveable<br><br> I think that is one of the beautiful things I’ve learned in transition:<br><br> I'm delightfully human, and <br>still growing and learning<br>everyday<br><br>And as I keep moving forward, my past continues to make more sense.<br><br>My hope is that my introspective nature will inspire other people to look inward, too.<br>Because when we do, we realize how truly similar we really are.<br>And when we recognize ourselves in each other,<br>judgment becomes obsolete. <br> <br>So, if you haven’t seen the trailer for the film, watch it <a contents="here" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://vimeo.com/134142788" target="_blank">here</a>.<br>And when you do, you will see that this has been my path since before I realized that I was on one. <br><br><br> Love, <br>Bennett <br> </p>Gentle Ben