call to rise

~ 2/12/2016 


The revelation of my identity had been emerging in my awareness for some time.
It kind of happened in steps
I really didn't want to be transgender
I had negative associations with that word
 i had already been in therapy for years
because of a curios chemical
reaction to puberty
starting at 
the age
of 12
and
I guess 
 I assumed that if I had a condition someone would have given me a  diagnosis
and I guess
that my parents 
had a feeling but they
also obeyed the stigma 
hoping, waiting, maybe
it was anything
other than
this

and
 I don't blame them
because it was hard for me
to come to terms with
too

~

when
I was eighteen
--
I was getting ready
to leave my apartment

and I stopped in front of the mirror
and just sort of froze there 

and for once I was looking at my reflection 
and having a really genuine moment with myself

  when I looked into my own eyes
usually all I felt
was the space where my
personality 
was supposed to be

but this time felt different

 I was looking
at myself
and
wondering
What Am I
so afraid
of
   ? 

~
 
I started to have this
 daydream
of myself at 
the gas station down the street
when the person behind the
 counter looked at me

 “Yes, sir. Ma’am?” 
confused
so then
they tried
again
i cleared
my throat
and looked
at them

“It’s Sir” 
i said to the mirror

never in my life
had it felt
any clearer

My eyes welled up 

spirit-chills

every cell
in my body

vibrating

a warm wave 
of relief 
overcame 
me

pivotal  
momentary  
clarity

a mirror
to see
clearly
who
I
came
here
to be

~

you see
i couldn't
see
the truth until
it took me by
surprise

transition
is
my
call to rise

~

Sometimes the role we come to play
is not the one that we would have chosen for ourselves.
It is not by my conditions that I am defined
but by the way that I respond to them.

I came out

as myself

and

felt 

as

hopeful

as

Ever

as

I stood at this intersection

it occurred to me that

it was not by mistake

that I had arrived here

All signs pointed 

in

this direction

transition

is

something
that I have come to accept
about myself even though
I don’t understand

its taken a while, but
I’ve given up on asking
“whyyyyyyyy”
and
choose
to trust
what 
i know
to be
right

~

Someone once told me

Pick your battles,
and be wise
  
Sometimes it seems like the world is overwhelmingly opinionated
and people aren’t afraid to display their ignorance with pride

I didn't come to argue with them. 
I accept our differences.
We don't need to understand each other to be nice

  but we have got learn to live together 
and
focus 
on what is really going on beneath
the surface because I promise
you that this is so much 
more than skin deep.
-- Gentle
Ben

1 comment

  • Whitney C

    Whitney C

    Wooowww I have chills. Incredible story

    Wooowww I have chills. Incredible story

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