~ 2/12/2016
The revelation of my identity had been emerging in my awareness for some time.
It kind of happened in steps
I really didn't want to be transgender
I had negative associations with that word
i had already been in therapy for years
because of a curios chemical
reaction to puberty
starting at
the age
of 12
and
I guess
I assumed that if I had a condition someone would have given me a diagnosis
and I guess
that my parents
had a feeling but they
also obeyed the stigma
hoping, waiting, maybe
it was anything
other than
this
and
I don't blame them
because it was hard for me
to come to terms with
too
~
when
I was eighteen
--
I was getting ready
to leave my apartment
and I stopped in front of the mirror
and just sort of froze there
and for once I was looking at my reflection
and having a really genuine moment with myself
when I looked into my own eyes
usually all I felt
was the space where my
personality
was supposed to be
but this time felt different
I was looking
at myself
and
wondering
What Am I
so afraid
of
?
~
I started to have this
daydream
of myself at
the gas station down the street
when the person behind the
counter looked at me
“Yes, sir. Ma’am?”
confused
so then
they tried
again
i cleared
my throat
and looked
at them
“It’s Sir”
i said to the mirror
never in my life
had it felt
any clearer
My eyes welled up
spirit-chills
every cell
in my body
vibrating
a warm wave
of relief
overcame
me
pivotal
momentary
clarity
a mirror
to see
clearly
who
I
came
here
to be
~
you see
i couldn't
see
the truth until
it took me by
surprise
transition
is
my
call to rise
~
Sometimes the role we come to play
is not the one that we would have chosen for ourselves.
It is not by my conditions that I am defined
but by the way that I respond to them.
I came out
as myself
and
felt
as
hopeful
as
Ever
as
I stood at this intersection
it occurred to me that
it was not by mistake
that I had arrived here
All signs pointed
in
this direction
transition
is
something
that I have come to accept
about myself even though
I don’t understand
its taken a while, but
I’ve given up on asking
“whyyyyyyyy”
and
choose
to trust
what
i know
to be
right
~
Someone once told me
Pick your battles,
and be wise
Sometimes it seems like the world is overwhelmingly opinionated
and people aren’t afraid to display their ignorance with pride
I didn't come to argue with them.
I accept our differences.
We don't need to understand each other to be nice
but we have got learn to live together
and
focus
on what is really going on beneath
the surface because I promise
you that this is so much
more than skin deep.
-- Gentle
Ben