Which side are you on?

I am not where I want to be… I regularly feel ashamed about who I am. Sometimes I’m filled with insecurity and doubt, other times I get stuck in anger at all that I have endured. There are moments when I feel victimized by my own mind. 

Occasionally I feel overcome by sadness at the truth of how painful this experience has been. I get lost in trying to understand all of the power and wisdom that comes from all of the hurt. 

But 

If I desire to be who I am, I have no choice in my life but to be vulnerable 

(and isn’t this ultimately the hard truth for all of us?) 

So 

If you are to know me, you must also get to know my shame. I will ask that you honor the privilege of holding that space. 

I am currently relearning to appreciate the inner strength that I have cultivated over years of remembering why I chose not to be my self sooner. 

I was eighteen when I remembered my name… 

To have survived the trauma of learning to 

hide & despise 

the essence of 

who I am, 

is a miracle 

and 

I am still developing the resources and courage to speak my truth. 

I have come to understand that the scars will always be here. The memories of those wounds have become a part of who I am. 

What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? 

I struggle with wanting to separate the two; my pain from my self— 

  but 

there is no 

light without dark 

or liberation from pain 

this is the human experience. 

This is my human experience… 

There is an energy inside of me that wants to help fix the world. 

I truly believe with all of my heart

that loving and accepting transcendent people

(and transcendent people loving and accepting themselves) is God’s work. 

We are here to make the world a better place... 

 

by giving my self permission to embody the essence of who I am 

in faith that who I am is exactly the person I want to become 

I hereby declare this body as my own 

a safe place for my soul to live 

and fulfill its purpose 

 

My “trans agenda” is to love my self better than I was taught. The aggressive nature of the debate surrounding the lives and dignity of people like me is escalating. I don’t need to read the comments because I have already survived them; fear shows up on a spectrum between dismissal and outrage and has evolved into outright conspiracy. I recognize that people are concerned about the broader implications of creating a culture of acceptance around gender transgressions. We have been taught that life is wrapped up neatly and labeled clearly when in truth its force is an ecstatic, multi dimensional arrangement of particles miraculously organized into form. The heart wisdom here is that we don’t get to choose who we are; we only really get to make the decision to embody or abandon the truest essence of our selves. 

Our real choice is to accept people for who they are, even if it contradicts our sense of who we are, or to reject them based upon our own biases and understanding of our selves (or lack thereof). To find the most inflammatory examples to validate your own prejudices exemplifies cowardice. 

My hope for humankind is that we all start to understand that our identity- the essence of who we are- comes from a place that is beyond our assignment. 

And to be real, I think that the people that feel the most violated by other’s disobeying their personal belief systems are the ones who are also feeling the most repressed in their own soul’s expression of who they are… even if they don’t know it, yet. 

So, in a war between love and fear-- which side are you on?

1 comment

  • Sara

    Sara Tennessee

    Love. Always love.

    Love. Always love.

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